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Sunday, December 4th, 2005
6:23 am
from now on this livejournal is friends only

current mood: angry

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Friday, July 23rd, 2004
3:48 am
i do suck at livejournal.

nothing is new here, i hate my job, i hate massachusetts... i hate everything. i'm so full of hate. the hate surges through my bloodstream and tingles in my fingers. all my other feelings rolled up tight in me in a little compact ball so that i feel nothing. nothing but hate.

wish i didnt miss. wish i wasnt capable of love or missing it.

havent been to haven in forever. miss talking to people, miss dancing.

starting not to care about anyone at all. surging apathy.

how can i be full of so much all at the same time?


oh one more thing.

did you hear about those lame fucks in washington? http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=512&ncid=718&e=5&u=/ap/20040722/ap_on_go_co/house_gay_marriage

current mood: depressed

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Sunday, April 25th, 2004
2:21 am - fuck
i havent updated this thing in forever, oh well, sorry. theres not even much of a reason, i havent really been doing anything... i went to haven one week and picked up a guy, he was really sexy and hot, he had black hair and these super deep eyes... we hooked up and it was really hot, he was so good in bed... but it left me feeling really shitty afterwards. i used to have things like all this crazy casual sex and it didnt matter, it was all about the fun. now theres this guilt. what the fuck? other than that i havent really made any new friends, i hardly ever leave the house, emily and i got into a fight and we never talk anymore, and my job fucking sucks. i am so emo, hahaha. emo kids can suck my dick. sometimes i wish i had a dick. theyre funny. haha. it seems like it'd be easier to get off, and also i could piss my name in the snow. lol. anyway, i should probably get to bed cause i have to work in the morning. actually, reading over this entry, it sounds like im on crack. i wish. no, i just really fucking need to sleep.

to let the darkness envelop me once more in her soft sinister arms.


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Sunday, March 7th, 2004
2:33 am
my life is so boring sometimes. i wish something new would come along... so sick of everything

current mood: bored

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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
4:57 am
These are not words, they're only feelings.
There are no sounds that you can hear.
There is no form that you can touch.
There are no colours for you to see.

The only sound is a distant thunder.
A tempest rages so far away from me.
I walked for miles and I started running
towards the sound and storm where you might find me.

current mood: drained

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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
5:00 am - emily
ok so a few days have passed since new years... it was wicked fun. emily and i sat around and watched tv and ate pizza and drank. she brought some champagne and of course we drank that. one of the best parts was watching stupid dick clark and his "rocking" new years eve show... haha. talk about dicks. my favorite was jessica simpson. what a fuckin bimbo! a real example of how the corporate record labels can make ANYTHING sell. although she said something about dick clark being really old, which must be the only intelligent thing she's ever said. we made a toast to the new year and drank. and drank. and drank some more. and somehow we did end up in bed together. it was better than the last time. afterward we spent the whole day together. shes called a few times but we havent seen each other since.

she said she loves me... but experience has shown me that love is hollow and unreal.

god shes so beautiful.

if only i could allow myself to succumb to such shallow beliefs...
...my heart is empty and dark.

current mood: depressed

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Friday, December 26th, 2003
1:14 am - {bored}
i drove down to my parents house for christmas. they made fun of my new tat. i wanted to kick their stupid yapping dog. one day i wanna take an elecric razor and shave the whole damn thing so that it'll look just like the rat that it IS.
we exchanged our presents and ate disgusting ham and i got the fuck out of there. back to my good old shithole apartment, where at least theres no fuckin dog.
i hate them both. trying to indoctrinate me again. their "god" can't save them any more than he can save me. i'll see them both in hell.
i put in two weeks at work yesterday. i cant stand that place. so goddamn happy and pleasant, all the time. i wouldve had to quit anyways because my tattoo is against the dress code.
hope you all had a merry fuckin xmas. im lookin forward to new years, i bought three bottles of sangria. emilys gonna come over. maybe if i get her drunk enough shell sleep with me. *snicker* its happened before and it would be fun to do again.

current mood: horny

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Monday, December 22nd, 2003
4:31 am - fuck you
work was hell. i need to get a new job. i cant believe i have to work for those corporate fuckers. i want to blow the head off of every 45 year old yuppie in his stupid eddie bauer sweater and his tight khakis who walks in and gives me a look like im a retard, orders me to get him his mocha frap (with extra whip cream of course), is all rude, and then leaves no tip...those fuckers are all so... mundane. theyll never know what it's like. i wish i had a fuckin tazer or something.

but i have to keep working.. i dont know when ill be able to get that new corset otherwise, lol. i wish i could work at night so i could sleep all day and id never have to see the daylight again.

emily said she'd dye my hair black again but we both have to find time when we're not working. which reminds me im out of eyeliner and i have to go to cvs soon.

that mask of $5.69 night is the only thing between me and the cruel agony of day. what sets me apart keeps me whole.

im so lonely... i wish i had a dark prince to carry me away...

i wish there was gonna be haven next week. ill have to wait til january. oh well

current mood: exanimate

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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
11:18 pm
a wider alliance that leads to new roads beyond the limits, holding hands, jumping off walls into dark seclusion, cut off from the mainstream of most intimate yearnings, i left my heart somewhere on the other side, i left all desire for good.

clinging to naked thought, impossible tactics worked out for impossible means. this is the final moment of respite. the final page in the book. a bitter challenge between old and new, with one last warning.

current mood: cold

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10:38 pm
so this is my new fucking livejournal, enjoy

current mood: nauseated

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